“No one knows whether death may not be the greatest of all blessings for a man, yet men fear it as if they knew that it is the greatest of evils.”  – Plato.

I am not fearful of death – of my death – but I get too much scared when someone dies – someone close. I am fearful of the fear and silence that it propels in the  surroundings. I am fearful of the all the other scared faces around me, of the mournful smell of the air. I am fearful of the darkness with which it overshadows the brightest sunlight. The tears of all the disturbed souls that soon would flood the universe haunt me. The  swelled-dry-lips and red-wet-eyes of all who are suffering the loss weaken me. How cruel is the fact –  that this astronomically huge span of life would be destroyed in a blink of an eye and would leave everyone behind in pain -it tortures me a lot. Death, by far the most stupid and preposterous creation of God is the greatest fear of all. 

A couple of days back I lost someone. A person who was not there with me for the most of the time of my life, but yes there was this noble and magnanimous image of that lady which was alive in my mind,  my heart and my thoughts for so long – it was all shattered. The image which was just so alive and so vibrant – talking to me smilingly – was all missing in the very next moment.  It was like a black-hole of silence and fear and pain created somewhere in my heart and ’twas drowning me in. I was scared and was never scared this much. I cried a lot – alone – many a times – but that was even drowning me more. I was crying and thinking about the condition of those who were closely related to her, those who had spent their entire life with her.  How pitiful their conditions would be – unimaginable ! And then I was cursing God for  he was the only one who scripted all this drama and was watching it being enacted. Preposterous.

I do not want to leave people behind me tormented and crying in pain. I now know how it feels. But I can not help it. I know they will cry when I am gone, miss me more than ever. But why? Why God has created such nonsense circle of Life and Death? Why on one hand does he put so much strength and positivity in Life and then despise his own creation and spread fear with Death? And why does he not bestow the humans with the power to overcome that fear? Why does he let them suffer? These unanswerable questions will haunt everyone – everyone who has felt death so closely. One can not escape this only irrefutable reality. But then why is this truth so untrue that no one want to face it, to believe it? Death is  evil and the God himself created this evil.

Rest in peace the pious soul of the lovely and beautiful old lady; you shall always be there in my heart. 

I followed the news channels and newspapers over 3-4 days and there were numerous of news which left me miffed. I do not generally involve myself in going through what’s all happening in my country because my heart is afraid of and can’t take anymore these descriptions of rapes, murders, fraud and vandalism. But they come to you anyhow to annoy you, disturb you, haunt you and leave your mind in a state of paranoia. No one knows whats happening out here. You are never sure about the things which may happen to you.  Look around yourself and see what this world has turned into. Never a peaceful place was this world, it has gone more clamorous.

I remember this instance from my childhood. My father used to read newspaper very minutely. He would read every peace of news every time. And when he would finish, I would grab it and check what was so important out there which kept him so indulged. I would find only useless rubbish things –  partly because I kept myself off from politics and big write-ups and partly because I used to find the small news interesting. One day I asked him –
“What do you read the newspaper for?”
“To know whats all happening.”
“But I only find news of theft and fraud and land disputes. They disturb me a lot. Don’t you get disturbed? What else do you find there which I do not?”
“Did you check out about the new Dam Project? The central government has approved it and soon it is going to do wonders to many people. Won’t they be happy? Do not you think it’s a great news?”
“No. I think I missed it. I shall check it again.”
“I knew you would never read those things or let me rephrase my words – you would never find such things interesting. Son, there are always some bad things happening around you, creating frictions in your mind, deviating you from real pleasures of this world. But that does not mean you start loosing hope. Hope is what drives this world, will always be the most important factor for the mankind to sustain. Whenever you are surrounded by the clouds of grief and dismay, hope is the only thing you can count on.”
“But does not hope weaken you?”
“How can it do so?”
“Let’s say you only hope and hope for something to get better, for example – this society to get better. And you know it never is going to be. In that case your hope is bringing you nothing. Is it?”
“What would say about those poor villagers who got today the news about Dam Project approval? They were also hoping. They were hoping that if something be done and the floods never strike. They were hoping if they were not turned to homeless refugees by the flood. Hoping that their crops were never destroyed. Hoping that they would even for once get to see what electricity looks like. Now did this hope weaken them? “
“No. Not at all.”
“You know many people take this hope thing wrongly. Hope is not presuming that a thing is going to happen for sure. It is rather convincing the heart that the thing may happen and be prepared for it. You may have to celebrate or may have to feel bad. But you never win or lose when you hope. Do you try doing something when you hope for something? No, because you have tried doing all you could and now it’s the time to just sit and wait. So there stands no chances of winning or losing. You write an exam and then you hope that you get good grades. You do not appear for the same exam for many a times to get good grades, that would be a such a flop case.”
“Yes, I get it.”

Do I hope for anything now? Do I ever convince my heart that things are going to get better? Not at all. This country of mine has turned into a rat-hole. But it used to be something different till when I was a child. Now when I compare today’s condition with that of 12-13 years old, I find myself very tormented. This ain’t the same world which my father had then promised me it would be. Everything is totally preposterous. There is this air of angst in which I am suffocating. Nothing can be done now. No reform, no rebel, no riot nothing can help. You can not do anything but just sit back and rue the day you were born and let this whole craziness eat you up.

One morning, which is usual as all the mornings,I hear a hard knock on my door. “Let’s go to the mess,its breakfast time”. I hear that knock.What the hell!Why is this happening? My minds instructing me-dont you dare open your eyes,otherwise the eyeballs are going to pop-out.I need my pillow to put on my ear-God damn it, where’s it?? I spread my hands to every part of my bed I can, but my body’s not getting slightest of movement. My pillow’s missing. Fuck it – bastard’s missing. Suddenly I feel my leg’s feeling it somewhere.” Ahh, thank God – I got it – you just saved my morning from getting screwed”. I grab the pillow, put it on my ear and make sure that even the most tumultuous thunder doesn’t disturb me. But, I can feel that the knock is growing louder as the person’s getting no response from me. He reminds me what I had said to him last night. “Friend, I’ve been missing my breakfast for last 4 days due to oversleeping. I dont want this to happen tomorrow again. So, please wake me up in the morning anyhow. Do whatever comes in your mind.But, please!! “, he says. I am listening all these shits.”What a stupid he’s,he takes everything so seriously”.I am thinking this and cursing myself for whatever i said to him last night.

Eventually, he gives up. “Fuck off. Dont you dare say me to wake you up any day. Its all wastage of time. I am leaving. “I am hearing all this with all my ears,he leaves and I take a great sigh of relief. “Good, you are gone, now I can have a sound sleep. “Pressing hard the saviour pillow on my face I push my self to a deep sleep, deeper than ever.

After about 1 hour I feel its time to get up. I try very hard to lift my body off the bed,seems that the bed has clutched me tightly and it doesn’t want me to leave it. A commitment that I make to it just before I sleep is to break,so it tries to savour every last moment that I am spending with it. Finally I detach my body, mind and soul from my sweet and lovely darling, promising that i will be back again with a lot of love and the next night will be more entertaining for it.

Last month I was on a trip to two very grand religious places of this country. Haridwar and Vaishno Devi . Though everything was very mesmerizing about the trip but something I want to share for which I was left very upset.
While I was in Vaishnov Devi, taking an exhilarating walk in the mountains I met a small poor kid. There were couple of persons walking ahead of me but it was evening then, so their figures were vague. I was lost somewhere when suddenly he approached from behind. He was wearing a half-sleeved shirt and pajama. He asked me for some money very courteously. Seeing his piteous condition I gave him two 5-rupee coins and in return he gave me a very contented smile as if all his needs were satiated. I also felt good for him. He started running while I walked on slowly. Suddenly I heard scream of a small boy out of nowhere and in no time i realised that it was of the same kid. I ran towards him to see what had happened. When I reached near I saw he was crying and looking for something on the ground. I guessed it were the coins that he was looking for and I was right. He was crying so loud that the sound would go to the top of the mountain. He could not find the coins . He stood up and looked at me mournfully. His crying was so hard and bad that could even melt the hearts of devils. I tried to calm him down but he didn’t. He kept on crying. The tears flowing from his eyes seemed to me as if someone were pouring hot liquid on me. Each drop of his tear was making me feel sicker and weaker. I knew he was not going to stop so I took out a ten rupee note for him. But to my utter surprise, he did not take the money rather he started crying harder and started moving backwards. I tried to convince him to take the money but the poor boy refused and went away crying. I could not understand what was this. In few seconds he was out of sight. I sat for couple of minutes to ponder about this weird act of his but I came out with no conclusion. Filled with dismay, I started moving on………
I still have no answer to “why did he not take the money and run away?”.